Light at the end of the tunnel

Well it's been awhile since i've visited here. Have been working on ME lately. After feeling like i was crumbling inside and hated the world no matter how nice and wonderful it looked to everyone else, i decided to take myself to the doc to see if i was a candidate for happy pills! AND YES I AM! Its been 6days now that i'm on Prozac. Others tell me they can tell some difference, i am feeling a little different, but also more concentrated on NOT BEING NEGATIVE about issues. Playing a little game with myself, whenever i have a negative thought on a conversation that is happening, i try to speak a positive sentence, no matter what my mind is thinking. Sounds good on the outside, but inside, i'm still struggling. Kinda like i'm lying to myself. Maybe that's what i have to work at, little lying to myself.

Sometimes i listen to people around me and they can sound so cheery and chat about NOTHING. So if i dont pitch in and do the chat about NOTHING, then they look at me as if i'm not sociable. Sometimes i just want to bitch! Sometimes i just want to sit and think, sometimes i just want to share MY GRUMPY MINDED THOUGHTS, sometimes i want to share MY GOOD HAPPY THOUGHTS! but at the moment, i'm just try to say something positive no matter what the conversation is about. Put on my smile and pretend all is fine. Maybe with some practice it'll fool my mind into thinking the world is a wonderful place and i'm so frickin happy to be in it! One can only hope!

Today i'm having a teeter-totter day. It was a good day to start with. Got a great hug from my accupuncture friend, got a great hug from my daughter. She even fixed up my bike JUST FOR ME! My ass is boney and needed a diff seat on my bike. She did it for me without my asking! Was really nice. Appreciated it, i so appreciate her in my life. Must say her dad and I did make one helluva great kid! AND BEAUTIFUL! Her smile, her gorgeous blue eyes, her wonderful old soul, her kind heart, i could go on and on, but you get the drift right? I may sound biased but EVERYONE LOVES HER! You meet her and you just can't help but love her! She really does make the world a better place and anyone she comes in contact with has a bright light in their day. Then i came home. Felt like i was in a cloud again. Alone, husband napping, i try to not make noise to disturb his majesty. He wakes from the nap, heads to the tv. Such a thrilling home life. OK i left out that we did manage to go to a small town festival. Hubby was hungry, went to the Indonesian food spot, menu is haning in front of us with prices, he orders, we get the price and he bitches aloud! Like HELLO IDIOT THE PRICES WERE THERE, ADD UP WHATYOU ORDERED...like if you didn't want to spend that much, DON"T EAT THAT MUCH NEXT TIME! What an idiot! But was proud of myself, told him i thought he was unfair in his attitude because the prices were right in front of him and he did see them so he had nothing to bitch about! Felt good for me! Usually i dont say anything when he does this sort of thing, which is often. Hate going out to eat with him, always something is wrong with either the place or the food. And yet, the only thing he seems to ever want to do is go out to eat! Wierd. sooo here i am on the computer, whinge whinge whinge....oh well, tomorrow will be better, today was good, up down up down, but tomorrow will be better...drugs are kickin in soon!